Revenge is a Dish Best Served Mashed
by Narroch
Summary: Ludwig and his unconventional revenge plan. Mild sex.


**Narroch: **OK, this is crack, took like an hour, move along, move along. :)

* * *

Ludwig strolled through the German market calmly surveying each stall and their produce. He enjoyed walking about his country without any tag-a-longs. Feliciano would just flit from one shop to the next without thinking, attracted by anything shiny, and it would take twice as long to get the shopping done. Not to mention he would be too embarrassed with Feliciano around to get what he really came for.

He stopped in front of an old woman's cart, her face full of wrinkles which pulled back into a corset-like smile when she noticed him.

"Ah, it's you again! Glad you stopped by; I have just the ones you want." She leaned over and plucked up a red-skinned potato, abnormally large and heavy. It dwarfed her palm as she hefted it, motioning to the rest of the produce covering the cart with her free arm. All of the potatoes were just as large, clean and ready to be taken home.

Ludwig took the potato she offered him, weighing its bulk appreciatively.

"Yes, thank you. You always manage to raise the best potatoes in the market by far."

The old woman laughed, clearly enjoying the compliments of the young handsome man.

"Oh, I don't know if they are the best but they certainly are the _biggest_."

He gave a nod, a strange half-smile playing upon his face.

"Yes, they certainly are."

* * *

The smile was still present as he settled into his kitchen, setting the bag on the table and began to slowly, methodically wash his hands. He continued to glance at the bag, smile twisting until it broke out into a full grin. He didn't normally display emotions so vividly, but the irony was too great and there was no one there to witness it anyway.

He sat on a wooden stool, grabbed the two potatoes and began to deftly peel them, certain and precise in his well-practiced method. He used just enough blade to get the skin off but not too much dig to remove and waste any of the vegetable flesh. The peelings curled wetly and dropped into a pail at his feet.

Soon both vegetables were completely skinned, the cool white flesh was wet and smooth in Ludwig's hands. The grin was back again and he even licked his lips without noticing. He could already taste the delicacy to come.

Setting one potato into a bowl on the table he focused his attention on the remaining. He dipped the knife straight into it, deep through the end. Slowly, carefully he carved a circular hole, forcing it out with a slick pop. The cylindrical chunk was placed in the bowl with the other potato while he slowly began to carve and smooth the edges of the newly created hole.

After a minute of polishing and perfecting he leaned back to admire his work. It had warmed in his hands and the flesh was already seeping and wet from the peeling. The entire process was enough to get him worked up, he had been walking stiffly even coming back from the market in anticipation. The entire long slow process of preparation was pure torment but made the final result so much more satisfying.

He glanced around the kitchen one last time, to assure himself that he was indeed alone, before finally loosening his pants and letting his erection bob out from its folds. His cock was over-sensitized from waiting so long and so he gasped and shuddered as he let the tip rub against the potato. He let one hand trail up to his mouth in order to stifle his whimpers as the vegetable was rubbed infuriatingly against his length, teasing himself with its smooth wetness. He did that until his hips were twitching along with the motion uncontrollably, his breath coming hot and fast past his fingers still clenched in his mouth.

He slowed down; grabbing it with both hands as he gradually sheathed his cock in the potato, the abnormal size of the vegetable easily able to encompass his girth. He couldn't hold back the moan as he slid into the tight wet hole. The flesh was cool around his cock but the texture was just the right balance of rough and slippery. The friction was torturous and his groans fell unceasing as he began to jerk and thrust into the potato.

He felt his orgasm rising up and he picked up the pace to match it, frenziedly tugging the vegetable around himself, faster and faster until he yelled and jerked in his chair. He pressed the potato down as far as he could while his release pulsed out in several waves. He slumped when he finished, completely drained from the intense orgasm. Gently he pulled the potato off, careful to tip it so he wouldn't lose any of the juices.

He placed it in the bowl with the other potato and languidly began to mash them all together with a wooden spoon. Adding butter, salt, pepper, garlic, and a few other spices he mashed it into a creamy pulp; he placed it in the oven and strode off to make a phone call.

* * *

"I thought for sure you would still be mad at me West; figured I should prepare for a trap when you invited me over. Never expected a nice dinner, is it poisoned?" His brother Gilbert looked quite pleased with himself, finding a seat at Ludwig's table and plopping down.

"I would never stoop so low; some of us are capable of walking a higher moral road than you brother." Germany replied coolly, placing the mashed potatoes and some wurst on the table.

"Ke se se se se… Whatever you say lil bro, thanks for the meal!"

Gilbert cackled and began to serve himself a heaping plateful of wurst and mashed potatoes, digging in without even waiting for Ludwig to sit down. He wasn't perturbed by it though, even taking a smug sidelong glance to watch him scarf down spoonfuls of potatoes.

"Wow, this is really good today West, did you do something different?" Gilbert asked around a mouthful of potato.

"Oh, not much, I tried a new spice." He replied, aloof.

"Well, don't let it go to your head, but this is pretty awesome."

"Glad you like it." He smirked and piled some wurst onto his plate. Gilbert glanced up, finally noticing his brother's unbalanced plate.

"Hey, aren't you gonna have any of these potatoes?"

"No, I already had my share earlier." Ludwig answered, smirking quietly as he cut off a small piece of wurst. The saying was true, if not slightly unconventional: revenge was a dish best served mashed.

* * *

**End AN: **Fics of this nature come from hanging out with highly convincing cosplayers for days on end. At least I got my Germany to write something for me too. Bahahaha….


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